ATTENTION CHARGER FANS:
Do you think of Johnny Unitas as an ex-Charger?
Are your three children named J.J., Kellen, and Wes, with one of them being a girl?
Do you think that Rolf Benirschke got a raw deal on the daytime "Wheel of Fortune"?
Have you ever used the screen names of Eric Sievers, Trumaine Johnson, Bobby Duckworth or Dwight Scales when going OnLine?
Does Al Davis, a dark alley and a lead pipe mean anything to you?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then you definitely "want it." Like so many other out-of-state Charger fans, who are beyond the radius of Channel 10, XTRA and the Union-Tribune, I am constantly looking for the most up to date information on the Bolts (thus a function of the mailing list), as well some insightful commentary as to their play. Right now, the only weekly publication for Children of the Lightning Bolt is Chargers Football Weekly. If you've even glanced at it, you know it just doesn't cut it. I'm sorry, but I can't support a paper that writes that Dan Marino played in the 1981 overtime playoff classic, that Dennis Gibson wears #51 and that offers nothing that you wouldn't get watching the game on Sunday.

Here in New York, I do a lot of freelance sportswriting. In both my capacity as published writer and Charger fanatic, I am considering putting together another Charger publication, tentatively titled JUSTICE IS COMING-The Unofficial Publication of The San Diego Chargers. Depending on finances, it would be either in an OnLine or hard copy format. Is there any interest out there? Would you pay $2-3 a week, the price of a copy of Chargers Football Weekly, to get this thing going? Remember, I'm a 25 year-old freelancer, so it is the money and not the time or the drive that is an issue. Please contact Eric Stangel and tell us what you think.

P.S. If there's anyone out there who can help:

1. Do not let Tony Martin or Andre Coleman carry the ball in the open field.
2. Cut out the penalties. (We're NOT Raider fans for a reason)
3. Give us back our pass rush.
4. Heal, Darrien, Heal.

Since that time, I have been fortunate enough to contribute articles for SI OnLine and my interview with William Floyd (Yes, I did tell him I was screaming at him in Joe Robbie on that Black Sunday) will appear in the next issue of Blitz. Hopefully, some of my work will also appear some upcoming ESPN Total Sports publications.
So, who really cares what I do? No one wants to read my f**kin resume. And there are many of you out there who watch the Chargers with an equal amount of knowledge and experience as I could hope to do. The point is, as a published sportswriter, I can't write from the point of view of a fan. A really sick fan, like all of you. The kind who has his "Terrible Towel" from 1/17/95 tacked to his wall like the frozen Han Solo in Jabba The Hutt's living room. After all, it IS my favorite trophy. E-mail Eric if you need my references. My point is, this is a labor of love. Why else would we be Charger fans? Our first seven issues have been fun, but we want to do more.

Chargers Football WEAKLY has apparently read my letters over the past three years, because they seem to want to improve their magazine. But isn't enough. Wouldn't you want to read something written by someone who gives a sh*t about the fate of this team? You think Kevin Kernan, Nick Canepa or Jerry McGee lose any sleep if the Bolts lose? They just want something newsworthy. Do they know what it's like to watch the Bolts play in Cleveland or Philadelphia? Do they know what it's like to spend your adult savings to go to Pittsburgh in the rain, wrapped in a Chargers flag, a la the end of Rocky IV, and watch your boyhood dream be realized before your very eyes? Do they know what it's like to have your American Express card revoked for a whole year because you decided Miami was a nice place to visit in late January? Do they know what it's like to sit in the freezing cold of Giants Stadium on the day before Christmas Eve with a crowd so jaded and hostile that even a gallon jug of Bloody Marys and your Chargers construction hat can't dull the feeling that: "Sh*t, those snowballs are getting REALLY close to the Chargers bench..." It's not like being in the press box, to say the least.

We want to turn this thing into a full-fledged magazine. We want to be able to include cool pictures, not the Henning-era ones you see in Chargers Football WEAKLY. Wouldn't it be nice to see the Chargers covered with the historical perspective we all possess? We want to be able to include interviews where YOU GUYS tell us the questions you want asked. Wouldn't it be nice to have Dave Adolph or Ralph Friegden finally shed some light on the apparent incompetence that we spend so much time pontificating about? Wouldn't it be nice for Harry Swayne or Eric Moten explain why untimely holding penalties are their specialty? Hell, we'll even include Stan and Connie Humphries' recipe for Shrimp Dip, as featured in "Cooking With The Chargers." We're not kidding. I'm looking at the cookbook right now.

Well, I spoke to the head of PR for the club last night, and some back issues are on their way out to San Diego as we speak. ALL fans have a right to be heard--even fans who may not put ticket money in Alex Spanos' pocket, but who spend hundreds of dollars on merchandise, satellite bars and, of course, AOL bills. Fans for whom the Bolts are not their hometown team--they actually chose this role. There's only so much we can do OnLine, we want to take it to the next level. Instead of spending your money sponsoring that foster child that Bonnie Franklin told you about 10 years ago, how about spending $3 a week on a publication that isn't more embarrassing than the team's performance last Sunday?

Over the next two weeks, we will be posting all our back issues to give you an idea of what we've done. Hopefully you'll find that our post-game analysis and breakdown of that week's upcoming opponent are usually pretty insightful. Nostradamus, I'm not, but take a look at last week's Green Bay preview and see if we spotted any noticeable trouble spots. We have already announced our intentions to Chargers Football WEAKLY in a letter I'll post at the end of this issue. The subscription rates would probably be $12 dollars for 4 weeks, $22 for 8 weeks and just $32 for the rest of the season. We are also investigating the possibility of accepting Visa and Master Card. Please e-mail and tell us what you think. I can also be reached at 99 Second Avenue, 3FL, NYC, NY 10003. The phone number is (212) 387-9024.

LAZY LIGHTNING?
Enough business, let's talk the talk. How bad was Sunday? Pretty goddamn bad. In the words of former Nirvana frontman incarnate, Kurt Gouviea: "I have to take a shower to wash off this ass kicking." On Sunday, Gouveia came as he went, as he was publicy criticized by Bobby Ross for his poor pass coverage. Personally, I didn't want to even take a shower after the game, I just stripped off the Humphries jersey, leaving only my "F*ck Dallas" T-shirt underneath and happily watched the fortune of Jerry Jones' Nike All-Stars flutter off the crossbar. The highlight of my day was walking into a sports bar in Danbury, CT (TK's American Cafe (203) 730-1776--TV's at every table and one over the unrinal and the best wings in the state, just ask Cathy Talman) with the foam lightning bolt attached to the visor of my 1982 "Charger Power" hat. Geez, I looked like Steve Martin, circa 1978. Sitting next to me was actor Stanley Tucci of "Murder One", "A Modern Affair" and whose upcoming film, "Big Night", is getting sick reviews here in New York. Anyway, his wife was part of the droves of Packer fans in the bar that day. I told him he was awesome as the asshole D.A. in "Kiss Of Death", with Nick Cage. In return, he signed my Blockbuster Card, "To Ross, Keep On Renting." He also loved the "F*ck Dallas" shirt. I guess it's a cause that we can all get behind.

As you can see, I'm putting off talking about the actual game, but here it goes. Are we as good as Green Bay at this stage of the season? No. Did we have a chance to win if we played up to our yet-to-be determined 1996 potential? Yes. Did it need to be that bad? Not at all. I think it's safe to say that everyone associated with this organization was humiliated on Sunday--especially the fans. Remember, the team gets paid to be Chargers. Bobby Ross was quick to shoulder the blame for the loss, but I cannot believe that a man who is the best coach in the National Football League in terms of preparation, did not have the Packers proplerly scouted. Now, whether or not this newest addition of the Bobbys chemistry project was mentally prepared...that's another story altogether.

So who's to blame? I've read suggestions calling for the collective heads of Adolph, Friegden--even Ross and Beathard. Fortunately, many of you pointed out how ridiculous the criticism of Bobby Ross was. And did someone say that we should get rid of Stan? Stan Humphries as gutty a QB as we've EVER had and that includes the man whose autographed photo hangs on my wall next to Stan's, Dan Fouts. Stan is here to stay. Deal with it. A gambler, yes. But for every stupid pick there will be a broken play turned into a big gain due to that same attitude. And did I hear someone say that he should never have gotten rid of John "Mr." Freisz? I won't even touch that statement.

In terms of criticism pointed at Beathard, are you kidding me? The Sporting News asked 18 different GM's who the best judge of talent in the NFL was. 11 said, "Bobby Beathard." No other GM got more than one vote. You, I, no one wants the Chargers to win as much as Bobby Beathard.

A good point was made in the "Charger History Lesson" posting where Beathard's efforts to struggle with the salary cap since its inception in 1993 were documented. Look, Anthony Miller was a selfish bastard. Everyone knew it. With the money not used to sign him we picked up Davis, Gibson, Harper and Griggs. All four helped propel us to the Super Bowl in '94 and the two players that are still with us are major contributors, as well as locker room leaders. Yes, Beathard always trades down to get the players he wants, but look who he's gotten. Natrone Means--that certainly worked out for three years. Terrell Fletcher--he'll be a major factor before this year's through. Terrance Shaw--the jury's still out, but he could be the CB of the future if Darrien doesn't come all the way back. Bryan Still--it might not be until next season that we know how good he can be. And the two players that Beathard wanted over Shaw and Fletcher? Hugh Douglas and Tyrone Poole. I'd say he has a pretty good eye for talent.

This off-season was the first one where we've had space to maneuver under the cap. Coleman, Ross and Gouveia will all be big factors before this season is over. Who would you rather have? If we had signed Flipper Anderson, as we attempted to do last year, he'd be playing Gin Rummy at Bill Arnsparger's house right now he's so goddamn old. And Fred Barnett would be wheeling his busted knee around The Murph in some Shula-style golf cart. Everyone forgets that a major hurdle in getting people to sign with the Chargers is GETTING PEOPLE TO SIGN WITH THE CHARGERS. We're not in a huge market, our two division titles are looked at skeptically by the rest of the league and we used to be known as a team that is known for making the playoffs every OTHER year. That's why last season was so important. Even though we were ousted from the first round, we showed people that we can make the playoffs with consistency. And if Tony Martin hadn't let the ball hit him in the head at the end of the first half...The Chargers are usually disrespected by the media, but Beathard and Ross are not. Just read any NFL Preview magazine. People now see us as a team whose goal is to win the Super Bowl, despite what Leslie O'Neal said. Yeah, Leslie. I'm sure you chose the Rams over the Niners because of that winning Ram tradition. Coleman and Gouveia are the first marquee free agents we've signed. And in Coleman's case it's because of Bobby Ross. Bobby Ross has had a huge impact on those he has coached over the years. I'm surprised that Frank Reich isn't our back-up. That loyalty is also why Dave Adolph may be around longer than you and I want him to be, but that's another story altogether.

WELCOME PACK TO EARTH. EVERYBODY SAY "CHEESE!"
"Someday we will look back on this and it will all seem funny." -Bruce Springsteen, "Rosalita"

I won't mention everything the Packers did right on Sunday. Some guy on some other mailing list in Wisconsin can do that. But the Bolts did pretty much everything wrong. Well, what did we talk about last week? First, they had to return to the smash-mouth Bobby Beathard Redskin ground game that makes the whole offensive scheme work. Instead, Ralphie Boy Friegden continues to go with this West Coast offense crap. Ironically, Favre killed us with the quick slants all day. Ralph, which I believe can be used as an expression for vomiting in some circles (i.e. If they run Russell out of the end zone here, I think I'm going to Ralph), you never coached with the Niners. We don't have the personnel for that kind of offense. I particularly enjoyed watching Martin & Co. get shellacked every time they came over the middle. Against some lesser teams, the quick slant might get it done, but Stan is most effective when he has time (which he certainly didn't Sunday) to find the open man.

Coach Ross agreed that the Chargers abandoned the run too early: "Even though we got behind there's got to be a way for us to stay in the game well enough that we can run the ball and do it productively enough." I keep saying this, but I don't think Leonard Russell is the long-term answer for our running game this season. A great pick-up, yes. A bruiser, yes. A guy that can break off a big run and keep the front four honest? No. Leonard Russell should be our short yardage guy. Aaron Hayden, despite whatever he showed in pre-season, is the reason that Natrone Means is a Jacksonville Jaguar. Even against the weak opponents (Indianapolis notwithstanding) we faced during the stretch drive last year, Hayden showed that he can get it done. He is a slasher who can stretch the corner and can keep the opposing front four from pinning their ears back and teeing off on Stan.

Also, there's the issue of damaging Hayden's confidence by not allowing him to "start." Even if he evenly splits time with Russell, he still won't be satisfied. He said in Thursday's USA Today that "I'm not crazy about it. When someone tells you they are expecting big things from you and they let an all-pro running back go to pretty much make you (the starter), this is like a slap in the face." Aaron, would that "someone" be Mrs. Hayden who named you after Aaron Spelling? That is not a joke. That's where he got the name. Bobbys, it's pronounced A-RUN for a reason. He had one carry for three yards last week. I think the running back by committee thing will get stale as the competition stiffens. And if they continue to ignore Terrell Fletcher as an outlet for screens that will also keep the pressure off Stan and match him up with anyone nearly as good as Reggie White again, I think we will all go limp. The "tri-back" thing may sound like it keeps everyone fresh, but what about momentum? If a back gets hot, KEEP GIVING HIM THE BALL. This offensive line has enough trouble blocking without turning around and finding Earnest Jackson in the backfield.

And how about that offensive line? They were offensive, weren't they? I know that I almost "Ralphed" every time I saw Stan get into the fetal position to prepare himself for yet another sack. Whoever made the comment "Hi, my name is Harry. I'll be your starting guard today. Would you like me to slap you in the face or just hold you until the play is over?", I totally back you. The offensive line for the Chargers is, as we all know, crucial to everything Bobby Ross wants to establish. I said it last year, and I'll say it again, I don't think that Eric Moten's return to the lineup is the blessing the Chargers thought it would be. While his absence did affect them greatly during the 1993 season, the '94 edition suceeded because they had chemistry and cohesion. We need rookie Issac Davis to start the AFC Championship Game? No problem, just give him a half to warm up. Moten's return has messed up that chemistry a bit. Not to mention the above-referenced holding calls that he and Harry Swayne are so suspectible to.

Berti, Sienkiewicz, Mills--something's got to gel and I don't mean the hair of John Hastings, the Bosworth-like evil Karate Kid I martial arts instructor who is supposedly the Assistant Strength and Conditioning Coach. He stands behind Bobby Ross during games and holds the wires to Bobby's headset or something. Last week, he actually took his cool shades off. I don't know, I still think he's a spy for Al Davis. My suspicions rose when the Chargers' official press release this week mentioned that our Head Strength And Conditioning Coach, John Dunn, held the same position with the Los Angeles Traitors from 1987-89. John Hastings (if that really is your name), if you want to stand behind Boss Ross and look so hip for the TV cameras, then at least shout out: "FINISH HIM!" when Junior goes into the "bird stance" so he can surprise ball carrier with a knockout drop kick.

I'm sorry to take you down my pop culture memory lane tangent there. As I was saying, the offensive line needs work. The team mentioned that some of Green Bay's sacks were coverage sacks, but the lack of push in our ground game makes me think otherwise. I used to be a big fan of the organized roll-out Ralphie Boy runs for Stan, but it didn't yield much on Sunday. Tony Martin, thanks for not getting that pass in the end zone. Don't worry about it, really. When he ends up leading the AFC in receptions, as he currently does, by year's end and doesn't make the Pro Bowl, he'll wonder why. Charlie Jones' drop was also costly, especially since Stan was overthrowing all day. It was unfortunate that his TD was called back, but that's why Bobby always says: "No penalties, or I start throwing the clipboard." As the season progresses, we'll see if Charlie Jones is ready. Will the Chargers third receiver please stand up? Hell, I'm still ticked at the departed Johnnie Barnes for dropping that pass from Gale Gilbert in the '94 Falcons game.

SMITHERS, BEGIN THE THAWING OF LEE WILLIAMS
Now I know that Brett Favre is a mobile quarterback, even without the Vicodin, but the front four has got to get something going. Coleman finally got the group a sack and was in the pocket many times during the game. But it seemed like I was forced all day to watch the "new and improved" Chris Mims huff and puff as Favre easily eluded him. Reuben Davis played through his injury, but he as well have been Reuben Kincaid out there. It was nice to see my man John Parella get some time and Raylee Johnson, as many of you have requested, has been getting rotated into the lineup with some regularity. Shawn Lee, after a monster season in '95, has been startlingly quiet thus far. So basically, the front four isn't getting good pressure on the quarterback. A steady pass rush has been crucial for the Bolts ever since the early 80's. Our secondary can't hold them that long.

ADOLPH, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN "DAVE'S WORLD?"
I always naturally assumed that if I made a Harry Anderson reference, it would be to "Night Court." Oh well. Since the 4-7 start a year ago, Adolph has been using an extra linebacker up on the line of scrimmage to help out with our pass rush. Last year, he put Parella on the outside with the linebackers lining up close to the line of scrimmage. That worked well in re-installing not only a pass rush, but our run defense as well. It worked well until Don Johnson's half-brother Zack Crockett almost ruined my New Year's Eve by making us look like The Little Rascals football team. In '95, Adolph also used Lew "It Sounds Better On TV" up on the line to help out. You know what sounds better on TV, "Lew"? Making some goddamn plays so that the only time your new moniker is mentioned by the announcer is not because you got burned so badly.

This season, Dave Adolph is using Junior Seau as a blitzing linebacker, a la Paup, Thomas and Lloyd. And you know what, I'm not backing it. I don't think this utilizes Junior's vast talents at all. As one of you mentioned this week, Junior is most effective when he can take a few steps back and seek out the ball carrier like the pigskin-seeking missile he is. To have him run up the middle every once in a while is fine. Assuming that he times it right, which he sometimes doesn't, Junior can be one hell of a surprise running through. But when you run it every time, Junior can get taken right out of the play. Don't get me wrong, I personally think Junior Seau is the best defensive player in football today (but I also saw "A Very Brady Sequel" twice) but we all know that he has that nasty habit of occasionally overpersuing. Adolph having run him around like a chicken with his head cut off is the equivalent of breaking the red stick off a bottle rocket--you lose all direction, or in Junior's case, focus.

On Sunday, even though he seemed to be the only one playing, Junior got left in the dust with the rest of the team. He said: "I stunk up the field. I am embarrassed. We didn't come in to play today. Green Bay took it to us." Point being, we need to get a pass rush, but blitzing our best player seven times as we did Sunday may not be the answer. We can't sacrifice Junior to pick up all the slack. Kurt, are you listening? How about playing "All Apologies?"

The secondary was pretty ugly as well. I'm not a big fan of this zone Adolph has them playing, but I haven't trusted him since the prevent laden Monday night Kansas City meltdown last season. Terrance Shaw is showing some improvement, but it is really time for him to stand up and be counted. Learn from a guy like the Jets' Aaron Glenn. One year a quarterback emasculates you in front of the entire world with the now-infamous "clock play" and two years later you're snaring that same quarterback's pass, on his home turf no less, and high-stepping 100 yards for the touchdown. Kevin Ross continues to impress me, as he apparently isn't too old to administer a good pasting when the situation calls for it. And the excitable Rodney Harrison, the John Starks of the Chargers, put another big stick with the forearm. The league was already looking into a proposed 6K fine for the hit he put on Battaglia in the Bengals game. That's alright, Rodney. First the Battaglias, then the Barzinis, the Stacchis and the Cuneos. This season the Beathard family settles all debts.

Dwayne Harper's interception would have been a huge play had Stan not given the ball right back to Green Bay. But, as I said last week, Harper is really becoming the leader of the secondary in Gil Byrd-like fashion. He helped them take a stand against Oakland last year when we needed it, hopefully he can do it again this week.

On special teams, The Aussie had another big day, although I wish he didn't have so many opportunities. Carney has been kicking the ball in the end zone this year, which was a concern of mine last season. The missed field goal? There seems to be this weird karma around the Chargers. Carney only misses the field goal when the Bolts "back" into the opportunity (i.e. last year's game at the Traitors). But when they step up and put him in range, he almost always makes it (i.e. the '94 game at the Traitors). Hopefully, this week the offense will earn him his shots. Darrien had some real problems breaking loose, but is still 3rd in the AFC on punt returns. He seems to have settled into his limited role, which bothers me. Maybe he'll burn the Traitors for a big one like he did two years ago. And, of course, there's Andre, that lovable seal. His "feast or famine" approach to kick returns (fumble or touchdowns) I have accepted over the last three seasons. The good outweighs the bad. But as I've been saying for the same three years, and as many of you pointed out this week, it's his inability to rebound after the fumbles that is particularly disturbing. Remember last year's Monday night meltdown at Arrowhead. He was fair catching kicks the second they passed midfield. Toughen up, Andre, before we have to put you on the MUP (Mentally Unable to Play) list. Chuck Preifer was none too pleased with the coverage on the Howard punt return. I don't blame him. It's too bad The Aussie didn't pull out that Bowie knife he keeps in those black cleats and shank Desi.

OUT ON THE ROAD TODAY, I SAW A CHEESEHEAD STICKER ON A CADILLAC.

A LITTLE VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD SAID DON'T LOOK BACK, YOU CAN NEVER LOOK BACK.

So, yes, last week's loss was the worst of the Bobby Ross era. As I look out onto Second Avenue and see two fat kids in 49er "Rice" and "Sanders" jerseys tossing a ball around, I am reminded of two other Bolt shellackings from two seasons ago. In fact, I believe that the regular season installment ended similarly with Stan hurdling towards the sideline in an effort to prevent a devastating interception return for a touchdown. Yes, the Chargers have not stacked up well against the top NFC teams during the last three seasons. But there is only one inter-conference game the Chargers should care about. It's the one for the big silver football. Would you rather they play like the Bills, and beat SF and Dallas during the regular season, only to fall asleep at The Big Show? It IS a long season. The key is bouncing back against the Oaklands, Kansas Citys and Denvers. Those are the games that ultimately decide playoff berths.

But before we leave the Green Bay Packers, let me refer you to last week's posting. I'm just a wee bit sick of all the hype. Are they good? Yes. Great? Probably. But I can't even go out to the Vince Lombardi Rest Area on Exit 16W of the New Jersey Turnpike to use the toilet without getting ill. And the way they trotted out their Super Bowl I and II teams on Sunday? Hey, I'm as big a NFL history buff as anyone, but that was then this is now. Thank you, Mickey Dolenz. Morons, your bus is leaving...Why don't you try having Ray Nitschke jump into the stands because that was the last time you made the Super Bowl, before the little gig at Max Yasgur's farm. My God, our trip to the Super Bowl was after Woodstock '94. And did I hear one of the Union-Tribune guys wonder why Keith Jackson was the only Packer NOT to jump into the stands? Well, because he is a big fat idiot, naturally. Unfortunately, that big fat idiot always feasts on the Charger secondary. All I'm saying is that Mike Holmgren, I respect you even if you look like Craig Stadler. But I am The Walrus. Koo-Koo-Kachoo. And talk to Bill Cowher's boys before you start filming a video for that Robert Brooks song.

GOD, DO I HATE THE RAIDERS
I think that we can all agree on that. As Trish so aptly posted, this week, the key for the Bolts will be how they bounce back and kick some tail this week. And there's no better place to do it then the Oakland Alameda County Coliseum. The Oakland Raydez, as Chris Berman would say. With the possible exception of the Chicago Bulls and Hootie and The Blowfish, I cannot think of an organization I despise more. If anyone has a copy of Gene Klein's book, First Down And A Million, it gives you a pretty good idea why Al Davis' receding hairline will surely reveal that "666" birthmark that caused Gregory Peck to take him to the church and try to ice him before the cops arrived. If only, there'd been more time. But then again, Sam Neill would never have jumpstarted his career with "The Final Conflict." But I digress. If anyone doesn't have a copy of Klein's book, I'll post some of it since it's out of print. It's got some great stories about the Bolts, from the day they were born to the day that Klein happily sold the club to Grandpa Al Lewis. I find it amazing that Al Davis began his career as Chargers Assistant Coach from 1960-62. Then again, Annakin Skywalker WAS once a Jedi Knight.

Now matter how badly the Traitors have been playing, and they will be drastically improved with Hostetler back in the fold, they will be very up for this game. This is a rivalry beyond compare for the Chargers. The Traitors, on the other hand, have similar blood battles with everyone in the division since every club hates their guts. For the Bolts, the song remains the same. They need to do the things that they didn't do against Green Bay.

ESTABLISH THE RUN.
Ralphie Boy said after the Packer game, that while Stan didn't play particularly well, that "I don't think I had a particularly great day today, either." No you didn't Ralph. Now, Mr. Hastings, sweep the leg. Is there a problem, Mr. Hastings? There's nothing worse than seeing last night's "Inside The NFL" and seeing Offensive Backs Coach Sylvester Croom give the squad a pep talk last week while Hayden's got his jacket on. Sylvester Croom, you crazy Charles Dickens character-turned coach. Play the man. Russell is not the four quarter solution.

BLOCK, BUT DON'T HOLD.
The line had better find that cohesion I'm talking about because the Raiders pass rush would love nothing more than to give Stan a good spanking after he drove a stake through their hearts in '94. In fact, my autographed photo of Stanley over my computer is from that final drive. He can't do stuff like that if he's running from everyone in the joint, including the Road Warrior-spiked shoulder pads guy and the Darth Vader guy. Traitor CB's Lewis and McDaniel are a tough draw, so our receivers had better find that hidden supply of Lester Hayes' stickum buried in the visiting team's locker room. As if we needed any reminders, Jimmy Johnson has shown us all the importance of the running game, no matter who your quarterback is. I don't want to see Mick Jagger's ex, Jerry Ball, running his fat ass into the end zone with the pigskin like he did last week against the Jaguars.

GET TO HOSS.
Now, I would never advocate dirty play, especially against the Traitors, but Hostetler has been injury-prone ever since his arrival in California. If we can finally get a heavy pass rush, without taking the element of surprise away from our best player, we may be able to knock him out. For those of you for whom this sounds a bit harsh, and I don't think there are many out there, let me tell you the story of another loser. Remember when Chester McGlockton basically sat on Stan's knee and caused him to throw the pick that could have lost us the game in '94? That was the day that Stan Humphries established himself as a gutty-Sonny Jurgensen-type leader in the eyes of the media. Billy Kilmer's more like it. A good pass rush would answer all our prayers and give the secondary a better shot defending Tim Brown, Joan Jett and the rest of The Blackhearts. They should also be wary of the no-huddle offense the Traitors ran last week against Jacksonville.

A ZONE SHOULDN'T BE SOFT LIKE A BUNNY, BUT HARD LIKE A TURTLE.
You know, if I could talk to the animals...I wouldn't 'cause their f**kin' animals. Thank you, Mr. Miller. Little Timmy Brown made the statement that the Traitors will definitely be in the Super Bowl this year. I hope they've made their hotel and plane reservations early because New Orleans gets pretty crazy during that time of the year. This will definitely be the week that the '96 secondary finally shows itself. I'm talking to you, Terrance Shaw. If the front four can stop Williams, Kaufamn, etc. on the ground, then it could be an air show.

IT'S PASS PUNT AND KICK FOR A REASON.
Yeah, because at age seven, that's all a Pop Warner offense can do. But at the professional level, your punter should not be your greatest weapon as ours was last week. You know, The Aussie has never had a punt blocked and that concerns me. As "Ratt" so aptly said on their "Out Of The Cellar" LP, what goes around, comes around. Carney will hopefully bounce back.

Did I hear some on the list say "special teams, not Special Olympics?" A bit harsh, but very accurate. I don't need Little Timmy Brown running another one back. And Andre...well, I've already spoken to you.

FROM THE HORSES' MOUTH
BOBBY ROSS: "We just got an old-fashioned butt kicking in every phase."
KEVIN ROSS: "Now we'll find out about this football team."
ROSS WARNER: "Excuse me, Mr. Tucci, but are you going to finish those nachos?"
STAN HUMPHRIES: "They played a lot better than we did today. It was a lack of us executing the plays. They were there. There were a lot of plays that the first two weeks we made. Today we didn't. It was just one of those bad days. But it's only the third week of the season, so let's put it behind us and go from here."

PREDICITON, PAIN.
How right you are T. And I pity the fool who comes up against the Chargers this week and who doesn't buy your outstaning Bloody Mary Mix. By the way, how's Mrs. T doing? The Chargers have historically bounced back from big losses like this, with the exception of the extended losing streak last season, during the Bobby Ross era. And there's no better team to do it against then the Traitors. Is there a team in football that you despise more? And that horse, is there anything in the world that you hate more than that horse? Well, we have an old saying here at Delta: "Don't get mad, get even."

And the Chargers have a lot to get even for. From the "Unholy Roller" debacle of 1978, to the day that the Traitors made Eric and I cry when the beat the Bolts in the 1980 AFC title game, to the day that they knocked Kellen Winslow out of football, to last year's opening day pasting, some serious payback needs to be dished out this weekend. And we're just the guys to do it.

I can't enjoy anything Traitor related. John Matuszak? Rest in peace, but your presence in both "North Dallas Forty" and "Caveman" was something I needed as much as another Fugees cover song. Lyle Alzado, may you also rest in peace. But I was never a big fan of that sitcom you did. And that early HBO "First And Ten" episode where you played the aging player hooked on steriods and O.J. finds you in the stall...I won't even touch that. Bob Golic, the way you treated Screech on "Saved By The Bell: The College Years" was just plain cruel. Howie Long, your cameo on the '94 season premiere of my favorite television program, "Beverly Hills, 90210", was unable to tarnish the luster. And you did have that one great line in "Broken Arrow": "You the man, Deke!" But you are still a Los Angeles Traitor and therefore I must break you. And Jim Plunkett, remember when I bumped into you at the San Francisco airport when I was out there for the New Year's Dead shows? Yeah, I never told you I was a Charger fan, but I almost came after you and whacked with that really thick copy of Stephen King's "The Stand" I was packing in myknapsack.

In fact, Jack "The AsASSin" Tatum may be the reason I turned out to be such a fanatic. When his cheap tactics put Darryl Stingley out of football and into a wheelchair in 1976, my parents decided not to let me play Pop Warner. Thus, I never accomplished my dream of catching a pass with the jersey and pads on. The Dan Fouts, Chuck Muncie and Wes Chandler pee-wee jerseys were purchased some time after that. I did, however, catch 4 TD's, throw for one and force a fumble in that fraternity football game, but I was out all night and jacked up on two Red Bull Malt Liqour 40 oz's and...that's another strory altogether.

Well, I must leave you now. It's Friday morning and it's time to get this thing to all of you for those whose AOL mailboxes are exclusively at your place of business. Did anyone watch "Tombstone" on FOX this week? That's where the phrase "Justice Is Coming" is dervied from, for those who wondered. This morning's USA Today says that Harper's hamstring should allow him to play and that Junior injured his hammy in Wednesday's practice. He was restricted in Thursday's practice, but should be okay. In addition to the Werner Hippler/Junior Soli swap, CB Michael Swift was signed to the practice squad after getting cut in training camp. As I said, enjoy the Darren Carrington reunion game this weekend. And don't forget to thank him for his excellent play in the Super Bowl. Again, as we try to take this thing off-line and into your mailboxes every week, please tell us what you think. In fact, thanks to the seventh sign of The Apocalypse Jets/Giants game, the game will be televised in the New York area. You guys think it's tough not being within San Diego city limits, try having two teams that you don't give a sh*t about occupying your television screen every Sunday. I can be reached at the above-referenced phone number and address if anyone would like more info on our little project. In fact, ECKY123874 and I will be watching the game at my apartment on Sunday, so please feel free to call us before, after and at the half. But please give us your feedback, positive or negative. I don't want to waste anyone's time here. I have sent along with this issue a few of the pictures I was talking about. If your computer can't read them, then call me and I'll fax them to you or I'll e-mail the program to read them. I have also posted the second part of the tale of Charger pride that I began last week. If you didn't get it, just look at last week's issue as I post it with all preceding ones. In conclusion, I have responded to the claim about John Freisz that was posted this week with probably the best example of why Stan's the man and Freisz is a tool. These come from the 1993 bestseller, "Cooking With The Chargers."

EXHIBIT A: JOHN FREISZ'S "QUARTERBACK STEW"
2 lbs. pork roast, boneless
1 lb. dried pinto beans
6 cups water
1 onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, chopped or mashed
1 tablespoon salt
3 teaspoons chili powder
3 teaspoons cumin
1 teaspoon oregano
4 oz. can green chilies, chopped
1. Put all ingredients into crockpot on high for about 2 hours.
2. Shred meat after it is cooked and tender.
3. Turn to low setting and continue cooking for 8-10 hours.
4. Uncover approximately 1 hour before serving to absorb juice.
Serve over bed of corn chips and top with lettuce, onion, tomatoes, cheese, sour cream, guacamole and taco sauce.
DO NOT TRY THIS RECIPE AT HOME. YOU MUST HAVE A CONSISTENT TENDENCY TO FALL SHORT IN THE CLUTCH TO PREPARE JOHN'S "STEW".--Ed.

EXHIBIT B: STAN AND CONNIE HUMPHRIES' "SAUSAGE BALLS"
3 cups bisquick
1 lb. grated cheddar cheese
1 lb. sausage ground
1. Mix all ingredients well and form into small balls.
2. Bake at 350 degrees until light brown (30-40 minutes).
Freezes well.
These are Stan's favorite--morning, noon or night! - Connie Humphries
NOW, IS IT ANY WONDER THAT STAN STAYS IN SUCH GREAT GAME SHAPE?--Ed.

THIS MEANS WAR:
Ross L. Warner
c/o Operation Thunderball
99 Second Avenue, Third Floor
New York, New York 10003
Phone/Fax: (212) 387-9024
September 9, 1996
Doug Seamans
Assistant Editor
Chargers Football Weekly
Fax No.: (619) 584-2978
Dear Doug:
I was very pleased to read that you will soon be taking over at CFW. I have been extremely disappointed with the quality of the Weekly over the years and am very happy that someone is finally soliciting feedback from the subscribers whom, as you so aptly pointed out in the last issue, are the reason that the publication exists.
I have been Chargers fan living in the state of New York since the fourth grade. Since I was able to get into sports bars, I have seen every Chargers game, either via satellite or in person. I spent the better part of my adult savings to go to Pittsburgh for the AFC Championship. Wrapped in a team flag and wearing my Stan Humphries jersey, I did not exactly endear myself to the hometown fans. After that, I was on my way to Miami. I have watched the Bolts play in venues as hostile as Cleveland, Foxboro, East Rutherford and Philadelphia. I have sat in satellite bars in even more dicey locales. Since the mid 1980s, I have been an on-and-off CFW subscriber.
In the last few years, however, the quality of your publication has rapidly plummeted. I am staring at my renewal slip right now and have a great urge to discard it.When I constantly discuss the poor quality of the publication in seasons past, I am referring not only to glaring typos and formatting problems, but more importantly, factual inaccuracies. I wrote Ms. Doyle a letter, dated October 22 of last year, highlighting examples from that week's issue. For instance, one of the articles referred to the 11/13/94 game at Kansas City which "Tony Martin" caught a crucial bomb from Stan Humphries. Obviously, it was Shawn Jefferson that caught that pass. In the same issue, Dennis Gibson was referred to as "Number 51". Unless Woodrow Lowe inhabited Gibson's body in some bizarre Steve Martin/Lily Tomlin "All Of Me" fashion, then I believe that Gibson was number 57. Unfortunately, you were the author of both articles.
I don't mean to trash the magazine, but many of my Charger friends in Manhattan have expressed similar complaints. I won't even mention the fact that most of the photos you use to accompany the game recaps are two or three years old. I also write for a weekly paper and understand that it must be difficult to obtain game photos in a timely fashion. But when former defensive tackle George Thornton appears on the cover as "Shawn Lee" or whichever member of the '94 team you attributed the photo to, I have to wonder why I keep renewing.
That article on the Natrone Means press conference? Like anyone cares that whoever the guy who wrote it had to put down his tuna sandwich to cover it? And I still haven't forgotten that in the '94 Chargers/Dolphins playoff preview, CFW recalls the classic playoff duel between Dan Fouts and Dan Marino. I won't even insult your intelligence by noting what's wrong with that statement.
I figured that if you can't join 'em, beat 'em. Rather than to continue having my criticism fall on deaf ears, I have putting out an OnLine publication that will hopefully satisfy not only my need to read some quality writing on the Chargers, but CFW subscribers who share my concerns. It's not personal, Doug, only business.
Very truly yours,
Ross L. Warner
Charger Backer #1703
Polkville,13101
(CONTINUED)

Night Birds was exactly what you'd expect. I instantly noticed a television mounted in a wooden cabinet directly opposite the doorway. To its left, was a huge light, emblazoned with the words "Night Birds" in cursive, picturing two owls snuggling against each other. The second I sat down at the bar, the action at the bar seemed to pause for a second. The bar's scattered patrons peered in my direction as I ordered a dirty longneck bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon which was, of course, the only beer served. Directly to my left, sat a grizzly man, mid-40's, wearing a weathered buffalo plaid shirt and a down vest. Perched atop his head was a mesh "Mack Truck" hat. Through his drunken slurs, I deciphered that his name was Clyde. Clyde asked if I had come from the city. Was it that obvious? I suppose being proofed by the bartender didn't help things. By "the city" I took it he didn't mean Cortland.

Clyde must have known where I was all weekend, because with no warning he began doling out advice on women. I couldn't make it all out, but I did notice the word "pussy" used at least four times. A weak feeling shot through my body. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea. I ordered another Pabst in order to refocus on my mission. As I was about to verify with the bartender that the game would be on, the televised images of the Cowboys/Vikings game prompted this conversation:

"Look at Jimmy Johnson coach them niggers!"

"They can beat those faggots from San Francisco any day!"

After the bartender confirmed that I'd get to see the game, I turned to Clyde and began to be a more active participant in conversation. This was the one guy in the bar who was willing to talk to me and if the deal went down, I was going to need backing. If the attention turned suburban-born Jews with foreign cars, I was in big trouble. I told Clyde that my car had stalled and that I was getting it fixed first thing in the morning. He asked me what garage it was at and when I told him he replied: "Oh those guys don't know shit about cars! It's probably the coil."

To my right, a few of the patrons were engaged in one of those arcade bowling games with the metal puck and the hollow half-pins at the other end. Clyde told me that he lived in the motel next door, where he did repairs, and that he'd be happy to take a look at The Stuporu. Wow, Clyde was turning out to be a great guy. If he could fix it, I'd save my fuming father the cost of the repairs. I could just pick Clyde up a bottle of Old Crow on the way out of town in the morning. As Clyde and I walked out of the bar one of the women at the bowling game shouted: "Clyde, are you playin' or what?"

"Nah. I'm gonna fix this boy's car," Clyde retorted.

I had made a friend. As we walked out the door, I reminded Clyde that I'd have to be back in ninety minutes so I wouldn't miss kickoff. It wasn't until we got to his motel room that I actually began to get scared. Amidst the stained maroon rug and fake wood paneled walls were all sorts of military-related items. A black and yellow "Don't Tread On Me" flag hovered directly over his cot, as if to protect it. There were military souvenirs scattered throughout the room---a camouflage helmet, a picture of him in uniform, a grenade. No Brad, I didn't die at Night Birds. My body was actually found in a nearby motel room. Does my medical plan even cover such an event? I believe the accident must occur in a motel room within at least 200 miles of the office. And isn't there that clause about the accident having to take place at an AAA-approved motel? Clyde pulled his toolbox out from behind the ancient Sony Trinitron with the silver plate reading "Property of Econo Lodge, Polkville" bolted to it.

Now, let's get a look at that car of yours".

As the jagged metallic edges peered out of the toolbox, my heart sank into my stomach. This was it. I have met the reaper and his name is Clyde. He is also very drunk and holding an implement that appears capable of snipping any major artery. My parents probably wouldn't even be able to find this town to identify my body.

Then, like being hit by one of those loose pieces of plaster hanging from the ceiling, I was struck with by the day's second moment of clarity. What was I so scared of? Had four months in the city made me that cynical? Here was a guy living in what seemed like the most desolate corner of the world, working as the local handyman, a regular at a dive bar...but he was content. To him, that was success. I was a paralegal at some sweatshop of a law firm in midtown Manhattan , and I wasn't even good at it. Was that because I hated my job? Was it because I could feel my ability to think and reason being sucked out of my head every day I set foot in that office? I used to be a decent sportswriter in high school---pretty funny, too. Clyde and I were actually pretty similar. Except he was one up on me: he had his piece of mind. If he ended up in Polkville by no choice of his own, it wasn't because he sold himself short. No, Clyde was someone who had lived. He had experienced things. What was that he was saying about women? As we left the motel room, I felt as if I had just come off the mountaintop after a meeting with the Dali-Lama. Was this the beer talking? Moments like this come once in a lifetime, let alone twice in a day. Don't question it.

Despite all I had gained from our meeting, Clyde wasn't able to fix the car. In fact, he had trouble getting the hood open. He fell flat on his ass. A dozen Pabst Blue Ribbons will do that to you. I explained to Clyde that I'd have to pop the hood from inside the car. It was at this moment that I realized that earlier I had left my keys in the overnight slot in the office attached to the garage. However, my dad had an extra set magnetically set in the cavity in front of the driver side wheel. For once, my parents' paranoia would pay off. As I bent down to assist Clyde, I grabbed the casing containing the extra key off the car. The Warner Paranoia must be contagious because my effort to conceal my retrieval of the extra key was totally uneccessary. I'm sure Clyde will one day be in Brookfield, Connecticut, immediately recognize the key and take The Stuporu for a joy ride. After I stood him back up, Clyde just waved his flashlight over the engine and shouted: "It's gotta be the coil! These damn foreign cars!"

He tinkered with a few things as I tried to start up the car. After five minutes of this, he stated: "It's definitely the coil." While I know very little about cars, I was not entirely convinced of his diagnosis. However I wasn't in a position to get a second opinion. Clyde obviously viewed our attempt as a success as he motioned for me to join him back at the bar. Anyway, kickoff was in 30 minutes.

When we had re-entered Night Birds, the scene had gotten decidedly more ugly. As all of the other football games were finished, all the attention was focused on the bowling game which was far more rowdy then we had left it. With his examination of The Stuporu completed, Clyde rejoined his posse. Country music blared throughout the bar. I walked over to the jukebox to take a look. I realized that I didn't recognize a single artist. Now I'm no expert, but I can recognize a Nelson, Twitty, Gilley or a Williams, Jr. any day. No dice. As I eased over to the bar, I noticed that the TV was out. The screen was filled with snow and I don't mean the kind that was blowing around the sky that night. I could feel my entire body sag. The life-lessons were nice and all, but this is why I came here in the first place. When I asked the bartender, he told me that the heavy winds had knocked out the cable for the entire town. What heavy winds? I was just outside and it didn't seem that bad...wait a second. The Pabst Blue Ribbon strikes again.

TO BE CONTINUED